A Wedding Gift is Still a Gift and Not an Obligation

“GIFT, n. [from give.] A present; any thing given or bestowed; any thing, the property of which is voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation; a donation.” - Noah Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language (bold emphasis added)

http://www.usaweekend.com/article/20100521/LIVING/5230314/Wedding-gift-do-s-don-ts

Just a few hours ago, my mom read to me an article (please click on the link above to read it online) from today’s USA Weekend magazine. This article infuriates me, and I am compelled to speak out against the “expert” opinions therein and set the record straight. I am a bride-to-be, and I take offense at this article’s assumption that every bride-to-be {which, since I am one, includes me in this wrongful assumption} is so thoroughly materialistic and greedy. Am I the only one that read this article and was appalled at the entitlement mentality that was not only obviously apparent in the article, but was also, consequently, projected upon all brides-to-be? Please, please allow me to speak for myself by correcting the fallacies in this article, which made extremely presumptuous assumptions about ALL brides-to-be, because {all brides-to-be} currently includes me, and therefore this article’s assumptions are (at best, unwittingly) false and unfair.

My issues with this article are as follows:

#1. Saying that there is such a thing as “the latest gift-giving etiquette” is as absurd as talking about “the latest gospel of Jesus,” or “the latest version of the Latin language,” or, “the latest old-fashioned vintage style of clothing.” There is no such thing. There are no updates. The spirit behind all rules of etiquette (i.e., the golden rule--let’s recite it all together now: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”) is an absolute, universal truth, and thus, does not change with time or location. How it manifests itself may vary between cultures (i.e., men do not take off their hats in front of women anymore because men don’t wear hats very often anymore), but the spirit and motivation behind it does not vary. Ever.

#2. “... buying a nice shower gift doesn’t let you off the hook for a wedding present.” Since when are the wedding guests ever ON the hook in the first place? Who made up these rules listed under “The Shower” section of the article? Who cares about the percentage of the price of the shower gift versus prices of other gifts or whatevertheheck? Huh? I sure as heck don’t care! If you’re paying for the gift, YOU are the one who decides how much YOU want to spend on it.

#3. As far as the engagement party is concerned, the article claims that “expectations [of the bride and groom regarding whether or not they receive gifts at the engagement party] vary by region.” That might appear to be true on the surface (i.e., if you’re conducting a numerical, statistical survey) but on a deeper level, I disagree. I would argue that expectations do not vary by region; expectations vary by couple. Meaning that some couples have more of a “GIMME! GIMME! PRESENTS! PRESENTS!” attitude than others. Some people simply look at every party as another opportunity to accumulate stuff. By God’s grace, my fiancé and I shall NEVER have such a repulsively worldly and self-centered perspective. Shame on us if ever we do.

#4. No, you do NOT have to send a gift to the ceremony just because you received an invitation in the mail. The number of people my fiancé and I are inviting to our wedding is based on how many beloved friends and family members we hope to have surrounding and supporting us as we enter into this covenant and celebrating with us at the ceremonial culmination of our courtship. We are not going to add people to our guest list in the hopes that every invitation we send out will translate to another present, regardless of whether or not any additional invitee can attend. I would rather have my friends come empty-handed than not come at all!

#5. A survey (they did NOT include me in this survey, let me tell you!) taken by these ridiculous wedding experts and organizations apparently revealed that brides EXPECTED each guest to spend AT LEAST $70 on each gift! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? First off, since when is it the receiver’s place to dictate the giver’s price range? The problem is in the expectation at all. No one should ever really expect a gift, simply because that is generally a selfish mindset with no regard to things that are really important in life. (And the best and most important things in life don’t come wrapped up inside a box with a pretty bow on top--I promise you that.) Second, $70? Per person? Per gift? Seriously? What about my dirt poor friends? Of all the dozens or possibly hundreds of weddings anyone could get invited to in a lifetime, who the heck has $70 to spare for EVERY wedding to which a person gets invited? I sure don’t! I don’t make that kind of money! No really. I have never made enough money to justify spending $70 on one wedding present, so I certainly don’t expect that from anybody I know. (If anyone wants to, great, but seriously, nobody has to!) And for the people who are still in college when their friends get married, from where is all that money for friends’ wedding gifts going to come? What about when you don’t have a job (like a lot of people in this current economy)? What if you’re in college and don’t have time to work?

#6. Under “Destination Weddings,” there is an absolute flat-out lie. (Go ahead and read it now.) My response to that final point in the article: WRONG! This absolutely flies in the face of the REAL rules of etiquette (you know, the ones that don’t degenerate commensurately with a progressively more self-centered culture). You are NEVER obligated to give a gift. No matter what the occasion, who you are, who it’s for, where it is, how much money you have to spare, or why you’re giving, NOBODY is EVER required to give any gift. A gift, by definition, is A GIFT! Obligation, by definition, implies debt. Being given a gift by someone is absolutely not the same thing as being paid back for something you loaned to or did for someone else. An obligation is not a gift and a gift is not an obligation. (And by “not,” I mean “never.”) A gift should never be expected by a potential recipient, nor should an obligation to give ever be placed on a potential giver. Newsflash: Nobody owes you jack diddly. God owes you NOTHING. The fact that God Himself gave us Jesus as a gift we have the option of accepting was something that we never deserved, and thus, we were not owed it. God was not in our debt! God was not obligated to give us anything! Yet, out of His utter benevolence and love, He voluntarily offered us salvation. He wasn’t obligated, but He gave anyway. If He had been obligated, it would not have been a gift, and we would not have as much of a reason to be so thankful. My point in using the best example in the history of the universe is that any gift that is ever given is 100% up to the voluntary discretion of the person who is in the position of considering giving something. That is the bottom line.

By the way, relatively speaking, I’m not too excited about the presents I might receive at my upcoming wedding. I guarantee you, NOBODY in the world will top the wedding present God will give me: my wonderful husband-to-be, the love of my life, my soulmate and my closest friend, is the best wedding present ever. And in my heart, he’s absolutely priceless.